Let me tell you something, Iraq: did you help catch Saddam? Nope. Did you sit around like super pussies while he kicked the shit out of you? Yup. Did we sit around like super pussies after he attacked our country on SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001 A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN EVEN MORE INFAMY THAN PEARL HARBOR GOD BLESS OUR FUCKING FREEDOM with the help of Osama bin Laden and Howard Dean? By the power of the bald eagle, no. We took action. We saw the weapons of mass destruction, and we went over there and made Saddam Hussein quickly hide them very well so that we couldn't find them or even evidence that they once existed. But most importantly, we took down Saddam. And now you want to have the right to his trial just because he was the ruler of your country and killed a few of your people here and there? I think I speak for everyone when I say, "What in the name of Uncle Sam are you thinking?"

You see, Iraq, this is our Christmas gift. I know you might not know what Christmas is since you read the Korah or whatever the hell book it is that's un-American and not the Bible, but I'll explain it to you: Christmas is a holy American holiday honoring the time that Jesus Christ, the founder of America and ruler of everything, rose up from his grave to kill people who killed him, using a pointy tree to do it -- which is where we get our Christmas trees -- and having his clothes turned red from the flying droplets of blood, causing some people to say, "Hey, Jesus looks like he's wearing a suit, we could call him Santa Claus because he delivers presents every year!" In Iraq, you don't have any of that. All you have is Happy Sand Day, and Happy Anti-American Day.

... So, America, I've just outlined nicely for Iraq why they don't get a say in what happens to old Saddam. I know, I know -- I should've just told them to shut the hell up, and that they're lucky I'm not President, because I would've bombed each and every one of them, because they are animals who live in the sand. But hey, it's Christmas. Everyone deserves a break, even the Iraqis.

Americans should do their part in preventing terror and any thoughts not happening to be conservative, Ridge advised.

"Any activities you view as suspicious -- whether it be activities that are possibly terroristic, or liberal talk by your neighbours -- should be reported immediately," Ridge said.

When asked if perhaps this wasn't a bit similar to the "Red Scare" of the 1950's, in which frenzied anti-communist feelings resulted in Americans all over the country on watch for any "communist" activities, Ridge rolled his eyes.

"Uh, yes," he said. "That's the point. Duh."

"This isn't just going to go away," said White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, "The President has said that he wants these matters fully investigated. Any country that interferes with our sovereignty, our electrical grid, and our food supply will not be looked upon favorably."

"I thought 'Canadian Bacon' was just another bad American movie," said the Canadian Foreign Secretary, "I didn't realize it was meant to be prophetic."